How pathetic, here I preach about how I’m starting afresh and no longer cowering behind my walls of protection yet the thought of filling one application form scares me because there’s a real chance I could’ve gotten the job. I mean even the people I’m working with on my work experiance have said they’re training me to get the job yet here I am sat at home looking at the form and thinking “why aren’t I doing this?”

I mean sure I always thought I wanted to be a librarian, the works kinda easy, frustrating at times but doable but I’m not sure if it’s what I really want, I mostly went along with it because my team leader and the staff where like you could get this job if you wanted and I didn’t want to let them down.
That’s always the case though I go along with things because I don’t want to be seen as a disappointment tis the same reason I took speed.
God speed is a terrible drug, sure whilst it’s on it feels amazing but the come down is the first time I actually really thought, “hey you know what would be more fun? If I was dead”. Quite the experiance I wont be repeating.

I think I prefer the feeling of being a victim to being terrified all the time.